


Habits

by sacchan



Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: M/M, and now look at this mess, i cant write things without drama, i wanted to write soft!Andrew, this was meant to be just sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-13
Updated: 2016-10-13
Packaged: 2018-08-22 07:24:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8277595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sacchan/pseuds/sacchan
Summary: Old habits are hard to break, but Andrew is determined to slaughter the one that makes everything annoyingly messy for him. It was just a perfectly normal Sunday. It was like any other day, and yet he woke up feeling like he has to do it now. He had to finally break the habit of doubting.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I hope Andrew doesn't feel too ooc. I was worried about writing about his thoughts. How can Andrew be such a mess when he is also one of the simplest characters with his straightforwardness??

Old habits die hard. It’s one of those old phrases that both Neil and Andrew knew pretty well. When you learnt to do things a specific way ever since you were a kid, it’s awfully hard to change that way. Especially if you learnt them the hard way. They are craved into your skin, into the deepest parts of your mind, and only time can erase them. 

They both have had them. 

It was impossible to Neil to right away stop being always aware of his surroundings, always knowing the easiest route to run away. Or just simply, feeling like he needs to run away instead of dealing with problems. 

Andrew’s hands moved to his armbands when he was feeling danger even after the knives have been long gone from under them. 

It’s taken long, long years to Neil to learn how to deal with new acquaintances, how to stop keeping every information about himself behind strongly locked doors. It was probably the hardest for him, letting people in.

Not to mention how long it’s taken to Andrew to cease acting bossy all the time. Asking for other people’s opinion and not deciding everything alone was also a pretty strong habit to break. He managed. Sometimes. Mostly with Neil. 

Neil’s had to stop lying, too. It was a bad habit, a habit he hated the most. He lied about the smallest things sometimes, because that was what he’s been doing since he could talk. 

It was the same with Andrew’s stealing habits. He’s stopped doing it in shops easily, but stealing from their friends, or coach and Abie? That was pretty hard. 

Both of them felt connected to their most important things on an unhealthy level – happens when you never have had much of your own –, but at the same time they were pretty bad in buying new ones. Their house would have been looking empty if it wasn’t for their friends who have brought presents when they came over. 

Asking for anything from people? Oh, let’s not even go into that. 

However, none of these had been as hard an opponent as overcoming Andrew’s trust issues. Neil’s past wasn’t less horrible than Andrew’s, but he was still fortunate in one way; he always had his mother by his side. Neil always had someone by his side whom he could trust completely. That was the reason why Neil was able to trust in one person, in Andrew, without any doubts. Neil entrusted himself completely to Andrew, because he knew how to do it. 

Andrew, though, he had to quietly, in his mind, fight a seemingly endless war with his own doubts. It wasn’t about pitiful jealousy. After Allison has – noisily – pointed out that Neil must be demisexual, it was even more obvious that he wasn’t going to go around fucking other people. Andrew hardly ever doubted that. The problem was in his head, not in anything Neil’s done. 

 

Waking up by himself, that’s what Andrew loved. Not having to be bothered by anyone or anything first thing in the morning, that was a pretty good feeling. It was quiet around him, warm, too – very important –, and just fairly light when he finally opened his eyes. The shades weren’t rolled down completely, none of them liked to sleep in complete darkness, so countless rays pierced through the windows. There was one touching Neil’s face, too, just below his scar, but he didn’t seem bothered by it. His calm, steady breathing was the only noise in the room, the only noise Andrew was able to tolerate after waking up. 

_“You are still here.”_

Those four words echoed in his mind like every other morning. Starting every day with accepting that Neil was still there, had been Andrew’s unbreakable habit. 

_“I hate your stupid hair.”_ Neil was facing him, so close that his breath reached Andrew’s skin. The unruly, auburn tuft of hair almost covered his eyes, and Andrew couldn’t help, but lifting his hand to softly touch it. Pushing it out of Neil’s forehead was impossible, he didn’t even try, just let the unruly tuft to caress his own skin. 

Neil reacted, but he was already over the time when a touch like this could jerk him awake. His lips curled up a little, and he obviously tried to snuggle closer to Andrew. The older rolled his eyes, then led his hand down on Neil’s side to his lower back, and pulled him so close that they were sharing the same pillow now. Neil’s eyes slowly opened up, but he was already smiling widely. Andrew had no idea how anyone was able to do that right after waking up. 

“Morning,” Neil mumbled. His light blue eyes seemed warmer than the sunrays that gradually lit up more and more of the room. 

“Um,” Andrew growled back. He still needed like two hours to actually be able to talk. 

While Neil tangled their legs together so he could get even closer to Andrew’s body, the older was staring at his face without even blinking much. _You are mine. Mine alone, and I won’t lose you._

Neil hugged Andrew’s back too and he was ready to nuzzle to his chest just under his neck, but the other prevented that with a kiss. Neil was smiling throughout the whole kiss which was the biggest reason why it didn’t turn into anything more. He wasn’t completely awake, and the warm, overwhelming happiness that filled him up because of the sweetness of this wakening, just made his mind even more cloudy. 

“I like it when you aren’t a grumpy ass in the morning,” he murmured onto Andrew’s lips, then kissed the other’s chin, gave one more to his neck, and finally nuzzled into his t-shirt. “I really like it.” A yawn made that repeat _almost_ inaudible. 

Andrew said nothing, just stared down to the floor with the countless shiny dots, and buried his fingers into Neil’s hair. So close. So warm. So peaceful. 

So unreal. That was what the darkness in his mind shouted. 

And yet, they still had those all. They had everything. Andrew always wanted nothing, yet lately he felt like he had everything. 

It could have been really scary if he didn’t try so hard to tough it out. There was nothing to be afraid of. Neil wasn’t like the things in the foster care that you had to share with everyone else. Neil wasn’t like the toy that your foster sister took away from you claiming to her parents that you hit her when she asked for it. Neil was a home that Andrew never had to be kicked out of. 

Andrew knew Neil isn’t something that anyone can take away from him, and yet, it was so hard to trust that truth. Neil wanted him, and Andrew knew he will stick around as long as this shit-ass life let them. And yet. Andrew remembered every smile, every kiss, every word Neil’s ever said to him and the number of them was growing hour by hour to make that truth stronger. And yet. 

“Hey, what’s up?” mumbled Neil into Andrew’s t-shirt.

“Mm?” he growled back, knowing Neil knew that stood for “Why?” in morning person language. 

“You are kind of strangling me with the power of the hug.” Andrew realized what he was doing, but didn’t loosen his arms. “You are right. It’s not like I mind.” 

_“Dumbass.”_ A smirk appeared on Andrew’s face, then he tightened the hug even more. 

Neil laughed out loud, then somehow managed to lift his head enough to bit into Andrew’s neck real hard. Andrew tugged on his hair as response like any other grownup would have done. Neil laughed some more, then Andrew let him to believe he’s gotten out of the death grip on his own, because it was obvious he planned to climb on top of him. Neil straddled his lap, and the smug on his face showed, he didn’t realize what just happened. _“Dumbass,”_ Andrew repeated in his mind after rolling his eyes. 

Neil yawned the next moment, then just started to stretch his arms. He was wearing a tank top (the text on it said ‘If lost, return to the smol angry blond’, a present from Nicky which came with delivery from Germany, because his cousin had limited courage) that rode up on his stomach, and a boxer that was way too down on his hips. Andrew saw the hair below his belly button, also the red lines the clothing left on his light brown skin during the sleep. He put his hands on both sides on Neil’s hips, but only stroked the warm area with his thumbs. He thought about writing _mine_ on that exposed part.

Neil dropped his arms on his own thighs, then frowned. “Seriously? I’m giving you a show here, and you just caress me?”

Andrew snorted and raised one eyebrow. _“That was supposed to be a show?”_

“Yes!” Neil was a very good interpreter of Andrew’s dialect of morning language. He leant forward, and propped himself up on both sides of the older guy’s head. “What’s up with you?”

As Andrew’s eyes got robbed of the previous scenery, now he was gazing at Neil’s chest that came in sight as his loose tank top exposed it completely. _Mine_. He remembered the lines of every scar. He could find every mole with his eyes closed. He knew where to touch Neil to make him moan or whine or just laugh. _Mine alone._

“Okay, your eyes shout hot, needy sex, but you are still not hard, how comes?” asked Neil more and more confused. 

Andrew abruptly jerked his hips up after finally looking into Neil’s eyes. _“Then do something about it.”_

“As you wish.” Neil grinned, and immediately threw his tank top down to the carpet, then managed to drag the t-shirt off of Andrew, too. His hand slid up Andrew’s pale white skin that was tainted only by the tribal tattoo that started on his left side just where his ribcage ended, and led up till his shoulder on the same side. Neil loved every line of it. He loved touching it, kissing it, biting it. And Andrew loved when he did all those just as much. 

When Neil felt the bulge in Andrew’s underwear getting bigger, he rolled his hips down, rubbing their erections together all while sucking on the older guy’s neck, leaving pink marks on his skin. “Fuck me, so this morning gets even better,” he muttered into Andrew’s ear, then bit into his earlobe, too. 

Andrew pulled him away by his hair, then kissed him on the mouth, as he slid his other hand under Neil’s boxer and grabbed into his ass. _Mine._ A loud moan escaped Neil’s throat. _Mine alone._

Andrew turned them around, pressed Neil into the mattress for long minutes as the kissing continued, making both of them even harder. When dryhumping became unbearable, they kicked off their underwear, and got the lotion from the nightstand. Andrew kneeled between Neil’s pulled up legs, he swallowed the other’s cock so deep that Neil not just gasped for air, but grabbed both the sheet and Andrew’s hair so powerfully that the older one had to hiss. He didn’t stop, though. He kept sucking Neil hardly, rapidly driving him to the edge, both with his mouth and fingers, shouting with every move, _mine, mine alone_.

“Andrew, Andrew, Andrew, fuck, Andrew, I’m gonna, gonna, cuuummm–“

He swallowed most of it, then licked off the rest from his hand and Neil’s cock. All while watching him gasping, shaking, getting soaked in sweat, blushing. Andrew wanted everything. To see, to touch, to feel. It was horrible. It was overwhelming. It was… everything. 

He lay on Neil’s still shuddering body, pushed his right leg up to his chest, keeping it steady at the back of his knee. Andrew didn’t do anything else, though, so Neil lifted a slightly shaking hand up to his neck, and pulled him down to kiss. “I want your dick in my ass, all of it, right now,” he said flatly before it. 

The older one didn’t even bother this time to pretend that he disliked Neil’s shameless way with words. His cock twitched in satisfaction between the other’s butt cheeks. He grunted shortly as his tip thrusted into Neil, but he was still slow. He knew preparing wasn’t exactly thorough this time, and he didn’t want to hurt the other. Neil was moaning loudly, though, not showing any sign of discomfort. He looked stunning. That’s why Andrew stopped to just gaze at him previously, too. His flushed cheeks, his eyes almost dark blue, his stupid curly hair sticking to his sweaty forehead, his lips trembling and being dry from all the gasping. Staring was Neil’s business, but that has never meant, Andrew didn’t get his fair share of it. He liked looking at him when he was fixed up for photoshoots or a party, but these were his favorite moments. How cliché. And yet. 

“This feeling, ah, I just love it. You are filling me up perfectly. Your dick feels amazing, Andrew.” 

_“Noisy, shameless dumbass.”_ Andrew pulled back then finally thrust into Neil as he loved the most, firmly and completely with just one move. The moan that left Neil’s mouth was so loud that it kept resonating through every inch of Andrew’s body. _Mine. Mine alone._ The dirty sounds as their bodies collided into each other, Neil’s keen whining and moaning, this morning none of those could be louder than the words in his mind, though. _Mine. Mine alone._

“Fuck,” Andrew groaned into Neil’s collarbone as he came. His body jerked violently for a few more times, then he just went still and limp. Neil was stroking his back, nap and hair gently, but his breathing was just as heavy as Andrew’s. 

“I definitely prefer the mornings when ‘off’ doesn’t follow fuck as your first word of the day,” he said smiling. 

Neil was wrong. The first words of the day for Andrew were always the same, “You are still here.”, even if he didn’t say them out loud. 

“Off.” Just because he lived to be difficult. 

Neil scoffed, then kissed into the crook of his neck. He loved the weight of Andrew on him so much. “Asshole,” he murmured to the other’s skin, but was still smiling even when Andrew finally turned his head and kissed him on the mouth. 

The kiss was slow, but lasted long. Continued even when Andrew half way rolled off him, and took his waning erection into his hand. It only broke when Neil was unable to breath like that anymore. He jerked his hips up, and his head back, deep into the pillow, and Andrew took that as an invitation to start kissing and biting his neck. Neil’s blood was pumping so fast in his veins when Andrew pressed his lips to the one that showed the most just next to his Adam’s apple. _Mine. Mine alone_.

Neil came again, his body felt like it turned into marshmallow. “This morning is perfect.” He sighed deeply, then dropped his arm on his eyes. “Fuck, how can I feel both buzzing with energy and drained of it?”

“You are a weirdo dumbass, that’s how.” Andrew was propping himself up on his elbow, but still keeping his other hand on Neil’s stomach. And his eyes were wondering over Neil’s exposed, naked body like he could find something new that he hasn’t discovered yet. _Mine. Mine alone._

“Is this gonna be a dumbass day?” Neil peeked up at him, lifting his arm only a little. 

Andrew shrugged. 

“Can’t promise I won’t be annoyingly smartass after this start.” Neil was grinning from ear to ear. “You’ll have to take responsibility and deal with it.” 

Only a narrowed pair of judging eyes was the answer which made Neil giggle some more. 

He felt embarrassed for being so obviously happy, but that only made him even more cheerful. “Oh gosh, I will go and take a shower, it’s like I’m drunk.” 

“You are not half this embarrassing drunk.” 

“That’s reassuring, but shut it, it’s your fault.” With pressing his pillow into Andrew’s face that had a lingering smirk on it, Neil escaped to the bathroom. 

Andrew flopped on his back, putting one of his arms under his head and closed his eyes. He felt that unbelievable smile on his face which should have been scary, and yet it was not. Why did every morning start with confirming Neil’s presence then? Why couldn’t he just finally accept it? 

Old habits die hard. _“I’ll fucking slaughter this one,”_ Andrew thought, then got up too and went after Neil. 

 

It was a Sunday, and they had no plans whatsoever. They had, however, a very empty refrigerator, so the next part of the day was decided pretty easily. They headed to the car, then to shopping. Andrew was driving, and Neil was… buzzing in the seat next to him. He was just chatting away about what else they needed to buy than food, but it still sounded like he was talking about the most cheerful thing possible. He also couldn’t keep his hand to himself. Andrew assumed it was unconscious action, but that didn’t make it less distracting. Especially when that hand was on his thigh. Neil wasn’t the only one this morning who was high on the other’s presence. 

They stopped at a red light, then Andrew peeled Neil’s hand off of himself with the intention of directing it back on Neil’s own lap, but he just couldn’t. Their fingers interlocked by the gearshift mostly because Neil took the initiative still completely unaware of what was happening. _“Dumbass.”_ Andrew was staring at their hands and he just got lost in his head. 

He had no reason to doubt this. Never had. Never. And yet. 

He hated those two words. _And yet_.

In Neil’s first year he heard it a lot. First he thought it’s just the drugs. He was constantly thinking about how much Neil annoyed him, how he hated him, how he wanted to kill him. But that little voice always added, _and yet_. As the mocking voice didn’t disappear even after he was off the medications, and he also could hear it sober, he had to admit it’s his own brain. Or that one other aggravating organ that should have been wrecked by that time, because he had been hitting it with hammers for long, long years. And yet. It was working, it was holding on, then got stronger and stronger, because Neil never left. 

And yet. 

He had a conversation with Betsy once. 

_“Who is the one you don’t trust? Him or yourself?”_

_“I trust Neil,” he answered without any hesitation._

_“You have your answer then.”_

_Andrew’s grimace showed clear displease. “I don’t like this answer, Bee.”_

_“Me neither, dear, me neither.”_

Because it meant coming over the problem was going to be a lot more work. And it showed that therapy wasn’t really working. Andrew was still doubting himself, fearing the monster that he kept locked up inside. Oh, and that was one hell of a real fear. 

Neil once told him, he would like to see him lose control. Andrew knew that can’t happen. He meant danger, real danger to everybody. Even if people justified his actions by saying he has done all the bad things to protect others, Andrew knew it’s not that simple. They weren’t aware of the _joy_ the monster felt when he let it loose. And it was _so_ hard to trust in his own power, that he won’t let go one time, and lose Neil as a consequence. 

Probably… probably that sentence every morning wasn’t entirely right. It should have been something like, _“I can still have you next to me.”_ It was the first time he thought about it like that. 

“Hey, it’s green,” Neil announced and squeezed Andrew’s hand. That’s when he finally realized what just happened. “Oh, sorry, I wasn’t aware that I’m keeping your hand hostage.” He let go, then started to chuckle again.

“Stop the giggling already, it’s fucking annoying.” It should have been. And yet it wasn’t. 

Neil cleared his throat, then to hide his smiling face he looked out the window on his right. In the meantime, he also put his hand back on Andrew’s thigh. The older took a deep breath, then stepped on the accelerator. _“Oblivious fuck.”_

Shopping in the supermarket went on like it usually did. Neil trying to pick ingredients to cook some actual food while Andrew piling up every kind of sweets he put an eye on, then Neil snatching at least 10% of it to put back on the shelves. When Andrew started to hit his hand with actual force, Neil knew he couldn’t touch the mountain of sweets anymore, so he just gave up, and threw some chips in the shopping cart. He really wasn’t a fun of sweets. 

“You need new clothes.” 

“No, I do not!” Neil whined right away. They already put the grocery bags in the car’s trunk. “There is no place for clothes in my closet anymore, Andrew.”

The older one just shrugged. “Time to throw away some then.” 

“You are freaking kidding me, all of them are mostly new.” That meant like barely more than a year old. That was very new in Neil’s standards. He didn’t protest further, though, because Andrew grabbed his wrist and started to drag him towards the mall again. 

Clothes. Those were something Neil just couldn’t take an interest in. He wore whatever their sponsors threw his way, or what Andrew and Nicky picked out for him. Since the older cousin’s left them, Neil noticed some kind of downfall color-wise, but he couldn’t care less. Clothes. Shopping for clothes. Boring. Boring. Boring. 

He left Andrew alone after like two minutes, and just started to wander between the aisles in the huge store. There were too many people in there which made the whole process even more annoying for him. Then he found it, the only way to make waiting for Andrew bearable. A whole wall full of t-shirts with funny texts. 

He kind of loved those. They were mostly dumb, but when they fitted perfectly for one of his family members, he couldn’t leave them behind. He wore that ‘If lost return to the smol angry blond’ tank top until it was so worn out that now he could only sleep in it. 

He smirked at the ‘You read my t-shirt. That’s enough social interaction for one day’ one, but they already owned that. Andrew sometimes even wore it. He saw one for pregnant women, the baby was peeking out through a zip on the stomach, and Dan and Matt’s kid right away popped up in his mind. _“Maybe if Matt can somehow convince Dan to have one more,”_ he thought with a small smile on his face. ‘No, you are wrong. So just sit there in your wrongness and be wrong.’ Snort. Because it would have been perfect for Aaron. ‘Naturally sweet, no sugar added’ for Renee. Nicky would have loved the one with ‘If you are reading this I’m gay’, also Neil could actually see Allison rocking the pink tank top that said, ‘Badass with a great ass’. 

“What are you doing?” 

Andrew’s voice startled him, and he needed a second to come out of his head. “Missing my family.”

“We just met them last week. All fucking annoying of them.” 

Neil didn’t bother to answer, just pointed at a gray t-shirt that conveyed his feelings for him: ‘Shut up and dance with me. Or just shut up’. 

“Kevin would dig that,” Andrew said after a few seconds. Mostly because he really didn’t need Neil to go down the whirl of emotions now. 

Neil frowned at the t-shirt. There were three columns, in the first a man in that ridiculous, old, white wig said ‘Jefferson, Adams, I’m leaving. And while I’m gone…’ in the second he added, ‘No Parties.’ In the last one two other men were smirking. “Is that supposed to be funny?”

The older rolled his eyes, “Education was wasted on you.” 

“I spent most of my school years running from the bad guys, then the last five fucking you, so no time for history for me.” He grabbed a hanger, and showed it up toward Andrew. “I always have time for someone ‘Cute and Psycho’, though.”

“I’m not cute,” Andrew grunted right away.

Neil made a face, “Psycho, that’s what you are not.” He shoved the t-shirt back, then chuckled at the next one. ‘Do. Not. Wake. Me. Up.’ it said, each word in different lines. “That’s spot on.” 

“So is this one,” Andrew pointed at the black long sleeved shirt with ‘Teenage runaway’ text. 

The younger one laughed shortly, then he held up one in front of Andrew. “Perfect.”

Andrew leant forward so he could read it, then he tossed it aside together with Neil’s hand. “Fuck off.”

“That’s what we need. A t-shirt with ‘fuck off’ on it for you.” He put the one with ‘Blond hair don’t care’ back, then followed Andrew’s eyes, because he was way too obviously trying to hide his interest in one. Neil laughed out loud, and right away took it off the wall. A cat was on it that looked like it’s done with the whole world. The text around it said, ‘This tshirt I hate it’. “We are buying this one.”

“No.”

“Shut up, it looks like Sir Fat cat with your constant expression. It’s perfect.” Before Andrew could have said he wasn’t going to wear it, Neil sent a significant look at the stack of different clothes in the basket next to the other’s legs. “If I have to wear all that, you can put this one on at home.” He wanted to turn around to march to the cashier, but halted. “I don’t need to try all that on, right?” he whined.

“They’ll fit.” 

“Oh thank god.” 

They walked on the shiny, vivid corridor of the mall slowly, doing some window shopping. Neil commented on things, and Andrew mostly listened, or just pretended very well that he didn’t tune out his voice. And then he came to a stop. 

“You still want something?” Neil asked curiously, then went, “Ugh,” when noticed what Andrew was staring at. “I should have known better than to trust in your good mood this morning. You just want me dead, right?”

“Always.”

They were standing in front of a frozen yoghurt shop. Eating sweets after shopping for clothes, that was the ultimate plan to murder Neil. “We didn’t even have breakfast, Andrew,” he tried to protest weakly. 

The older one just shrugged. “I want it.”

Neil sighed, then rolled his eyes. “Alright, alright, I am way too happy to be able to say no to you, Mr I-Want-Nothing.”

 _“You want everything,”_ the tiny voice in Andrew’s head stated flatly. He ignored it, and just said, “Are you still this high on last night’s victory, junkie?”

“Excuse me?!” Neil punched his upper arm. “It’s all you, asshole.”

Andrew was eyeing him for a few seconds. Neil’s eyes were still shining warmly, excitedly, and his cheeks appeared to be flushed from the warmth he felt. “Don’t get used to this,” he muttered, and resisted to shove his hands into his jean’s pockets. 

“I won’t.” Neil shook his head, reading him easily. “It wouldn’t be so thrilling if it was an everyday thing, anyway.” He didn’t need Andrew to wake up every day in a good mood. He just enjoyed every second while it lasted. “Let’s go and get cavity.”

The shop was decorated in every color of the rainbow. The only other color was the grey of the machines where they headed first. Neil picked the small cup, while Andrew obviously went with the large. Neil without much thinking swirled some simple vanilla flavored yogurt into his which he was rewarded for with a scowl from Andrew. Neil rolled his eyes, and left his partner behind to debate with himself about what combinations of flavors he wants. He added some peach, mangos and strawberries into his cup, then looked back and noticed Andrew was still on Step 1, so he just went and stood in line to pay. 

That took three times longer than completing his dessert, but at least by the time when only one person was in front of him, Andrew got to the part where he had to contemplate only about the sauce. Neil assumed he’ll be done in time to join him, so he stayed in line. 

“Good morning, sir!” greeted him the guy who seemed to be around the same age as Neil. He had a bright smile on his face, Neil admired him for being able to do that even though he just overheard all the complaints of the previous costumer. 

“Hi,” he answered. He didn’t really need to force the smile either, after putting down his cup in front of the guy. Neil felt way too good today. The guy’s name tag said his name is Greg. 

“You don’t seem like much of a fan of our product,” Greg commented, and put the cup on the weighing machine. 

“Yeah, sorry about that. The yogurt wasn’t really the reason why I stumbled in here,” Neil said feeling kind of embarrassed, but he already saw from behind Greg that Andrew was coming his way with an enormous amount in his cup, so he assumed that would balance out his poor spending. 

“Is that so?” Greg asked with an eyebrow raised teasingly. 

Neil just kept smiling unaware of his flushing face, while Greg prepared napkins and spoon for him. “Yeah.”

“Your blushing face makes me wish I was that reason.”

Neil frowned, not really understanding where the conversation was going. He had no opportunity to say anything, though – fortunately, because it would have come off really boorish in the form of an ‘Ugh, you aren’t?’ –, because Andrew just arrived and tossed his cup on the counter, too, with a loud clap. 

“I’m sorry, sir, but you need to stand in line!” Greg raised his voice a little, and his smile faded at the blatant rudeness. 

Neil, with eyes showing surprise, looked at Andrew who was mutely staring down Greg, then he sighed and even slouched for a second. “He is my reason. I’m paying for his, too.” 

Greg locked almost shocked as he eyed Andrew up and down, but the blond guy kept glaring at him with his usual ‘I’m ready to murder’ expression, so he quickly went back to work. Neil felt Greg’s eyes in his back even when they exited the store. 

“Poor guy had it tough already even without you scaring the hell out of him,” the younger one muttered as they leant on the handrail a few meters away from the frozen yogurt shop.

Andrew shot an annoyed look towards him, but said nothing just dug eagerly into his cup that contained – in Neil’s opinion – every kind of toppings the store offered. _“Oblivious fuck.”_ He might have stayed quiet, but that comment in his head was inevitable. No matter how many people has ever tried to hit on him, Neil remained the same, oblivious idiot. The need of confirmation from the morning swept over him again, _Mine. Mine alone._ He sweetened his darkening thoughts with unhealthy level of sugar. 

 

The drive home was uneventful, Neil felt kind of nauseous while Andrew was completely satisfied with the sugar level in his body, and it made both of them quiet. It was only midday when they arrived, then put away the groceries, however, instead of lazing around, Neil decided they should make lunch. He knew they wouldn’t have eaten anything that wasn’t considered snack that day if they just gave in to the luring of the couch in the living room now. 

Andrew cut the meat methodically – he hated the mess of it, but Neil never really got around to be okay with big knives or the feeling of cutting flesh –, and the younger one washed and prepared the vegetables. They weren’t master chiefs, but they didn’t fuck up anymore the few dishes they liked. As Andrew hated the mess more, he was responsible for washing the kitchenware, and Neil was in charge of seasoning and paying attention to the food on the stove. It was a smooth process; they didn’t need to talk much or awkwardly sidestep around each other. 

“Taste,” Neil said after stepping to Andrew by the sink. He held the wooden spoon to the blond’s mouth when he turned his head. 

“More salt,” Andrew commented on his usual bored tone, but he actually considered the answer, sipping the hot sauce more than one time. 

“Hm, okay.” 

Andrew caught a glimpse of the frown that appeared on Neil’s face before he went back to the stove. Andrew was unaware of the small smile that was playing on his own as he was watching Neil concentrating. _Mine. This is all mine. It’s all real. I can hold on to this. It’s all mine._

“Staring,” whispered Neil, because even if he was oblivious to anyone else, he was pretty good in sensing the smallest change in Andrew’s behavior. 

Andrew spattered some bubbles toward him like any other grownup would have done.

 

The afternoon went by in comfortable silence only with the television babbling in the background. Neil was texting with Allison with his head on Andrew’s lap, and legs swinging off the couch. He doubted Andrew paid any attention to the shows, even though his eyes were fixated on the screen. He seemed deep in his mind.

_U two are the lamest couple ever. Finally having two days off and u have nothing exciting planned?_

_Describe exciting_

_Fighting mafia bosses? Getting psycho little fucks killed???_

Neil snorted. _Thanx but got more than enough of that arealdy_

_Idk what you mean >:) _

_This day was great anyway so fuck off bitch_

_Bet it started off fucking. Who is the bitch here? Im not getting any._ Neil waited too long with the answer, so Allison went on. _Hah, I knew it! U only feel great when it involves bed play, u became such a bad boy._

Neil ignored the mocking, and instead sent the picture of the t-shirt they bought. He took the shot earlier to send to Nicky, his partner in loving idiotic clothes. _Look at dat instead_

_Omg will u make him wear that? Cause Ill need a picture of that for sure._

_Definitely_

Neil meant to write more, but then Andrew buried his fingers into his hair, pushing it out of his forehead. He guessed the older one was reading their convo, so he waited for a yank to come as punishment, but Andrew was just gently massaging his scalp nothing more. His eyes fell shut, and this was more than enough to fire up the warmness he felt all forenoon long. However, it also proved that something important was going on in Andrew’s head. 

_Ok, you are right, we should go out, so later_

Allison answered in the next second. _Atta boy, that’s how you relationship._

He just rolled his eyes, and was certain, Allison wouldn’t enjoy any of what he considered doing. 

“Hey, you,” he mumbled, and carefully touched Andrew’s upper arm. It took a noticeable moment for the older one to look down at him. “What about going for a drive?”

 

They had habits that wasn’t meant to be killed off. For example, finding peace in high places stuck with them even after they left the Tower. Whenever Neil felt like running away from life, or Andrew sank so deep into the depth of his mind that he literally needed to climb up, they escaped to the place Neil was driving towards now. 

“Why?” Andrew asked on a low voice after he realized where they were heading. 

“Just feeling like it,” answered the younger guy with a smile. 

Andrew turned to the side window, and propped his elbow on the door to lean his chin on his hand. “Whatever,” he muttered back. 

After leaving Palmetto State their usual routine was ignored for a few months, because they didn’t live anymore in a building that had the advantage of a roof high enough to feel satisfying. However, it became obvious that they had needed a new safe place when both of them started to act so relentlessly that even being just the two of them felt suffocating. For once, Neil acted first. He searched the internet until something at least partially useful came up, then stuffed Andrew into the Maserati together with a bottle of whiskey and drove out of the city. It really wasn’t the same as just going up to the roof of the Tower. It took more than one hour to just get to the place, so they had limited opportunity for these escapes, but it still became a nice habit once every few months. 

A mountain chain bordered the city on the west side, that’s where they headed. It wasn’t really high, barely qualifying to be called mountain with its 650 m highest point, but the roads that curled around it were a nice challenge. Sometimes just driving through the sharp curves and twists helped Andrew to relax enough that all the tension disappeared from his face, and his body lost its stiffness. 

Neil parked the car at the usual rest area closest to the peak that was completely abandoned as not many people knew it’s worth stopping there. They grabbed the bottle of whiskey from the backseat, then in silence headed towards the woods. They passed by some decayed benches and tables, and easily found the overgrown path even in the now dim light. It was only early spring, the sun already disappeared behind the mountain.

It took only five minutes to get to the abandoned lookout tower. It was built out of wood, and ran almost 80 feet high just by the edge of the cliff. When they first came, Andrew needed a good fifteen minutes to gather the courage to climb up the stairs that led up twisting in the middle between the tower’s legs – meanwhile Neil picked the lock of the wire fence that surrounded it. (Andrew mocked him for being lamely slow with it. Neil let it go by.)

The stairs creaked under their feet and the wood felt damp, because of the rain two days ago, but the floor was mostly dry upstairs as the roof stretched far out above it. They stepped outside to the porch on the side of the cliff’s edge, then sat down where the rail was missing – Andrew might have had something to do with that. Neil put the whiskey down between them, and took a deep breath. The sun tried hard that day to dry off the woods and the soil in the forest, but the air still smelled heavily like rain. The lights were already on in the city below them, but from there they could see the sky clearly, too, the evening star was already faintly blinking on the border. 

“Ah, I’m glad we came,” Neil whispered. He leant on his arms behind his back, and swung his legs into the darkness below.

“It’s fucking cold,” Andrew answered grumpily with his hands buried deep into the pockets of his jacket. 

Neil chuckled. “Don’t be such a weakling.” 

Andrew was staring ahead, sometimes up, sometimes down, but never in the direction of Neil, who tried at least not constantly watching only him. He kept quiet for a long time, he waited till the evening star wasn’t the only light on the sky anymore. 

“What’s in your mind?” he whispered into the darkness. 

“How to throw you off this cliff so it’ll certainly look like suicide.”

Neil scoffed. “I’d still drag you with me.” 

Andrew slowly turned his gaze toward Neil, and as their eyes met, he muttered, “Yeah, I know.” 

Neil seemed confused by that, but he wasn’t able to give him a better explanation. How was he supposed to tell him, he would also go down anyway if Neil falls? How was he supposed to tell Neil, he is the only thing keeping Andrew steady by the edge of that black pit that he finally climbed out from thanks to the younger’s guidance? And yet. He wanted Neil to know that it doesn’t scare him. He wanted Neil to know that he isn’t scared of putting his trust in Neil at all. Everything was a mess, and he hated mess with all his being.

He said something vague, though. “You told me that you want to see me lose control.”

“When did I do that?” Neil asked with a frown.

“In your first year.”

The younger one snorted in disbelief. “You aren’t expecting me to remember that conversation, right?”

“Nah, I’m already satisfied that you usually remember your own name.” It got him a punch in the arm.

“Fuck you, it’s not that easy, I had many.”

“I can’t do that.” 

The younger one understood it was the answer to that remark he forgot completely. “Are you telling me this was bugging you all these years?” Andrew said nothing, and that told more than words could. Neil started to feel a little queasy, but he still tried to joke, because the heaviness of this conversation took him aback. “I said many stupid things in the past. Just like you. Like, you know, that you hate me.”

“That’s still true,” Andrew said matter-of-factly.

“Yeah, I know.” 

Neil thought he meant, Andrew hates that he is so deep inside his life, that it was bugging him still. Neil thought he hates him, because he didn’t trust him to stay. “No, you don’t.”

“Hm?”

Andrew couldn’t answer. He turned back to the city, and was grateful for the dark, because he felt his ears burning. Spitting out embarrassing things without feeling much about it was Neil’s thing, not his. 

He couldn’t tell he had no trust in himself. He couldn’t tell Neil, how he feared the moment when he loses control and the monster gets out to hurt someone. He couldn’t tell Neil how he feared, he can’t stay by his side. And for making him feel so miserable, such a mess, he did hate Neil. 

All he could squeeze out was, “I trust you.”

Neil swallowed hard. He considered possible answers, like ‘I trust you, too.’ or ‘Thank you.’, but he felt there is something a lot bigger lurking in the background of those three words, so he did what he was the best at. Started to think, and tried to fill in the blanks that Andrew left around for him. 

He watched the silhouette of his partner, he felt the annoyance radiating from him, and another sentence surfaced in his head. “But I don’t trust myself.” Suddenly the previous confession, “I can’t lose control.” seemed a lot plainer, too. 

“I know how important control is to you,” he started hesitantly. He wasn’t really waiting for Andrew to turn back, but he continued only when the guy did. “I said something stupid back then, but I never brought this up ever since, right? I understand that you are the way you are.” _You can do better, Josten, think, think._ “I can’t even imagine how hard it is to keep that up all the time, Andrew, but you are doing good.” The other one’s eyes seemed to shine intensely. “Isn’t it getting easier?” 

_“Easier?”_ Was it easier keeping the monster behind the bars? He hasn’t considered it before. He was concentrating on the relief every morning, he was ignoring the ‘and yet’ thoughts for so long that he only figured out that day, why those thoughts existed in the first place. _“Is it easier than how it was before he came?”_

“You know that we all change.” Andrew tuned Neil’s voice back again. “We– I changed so much since I know you that my older selves would kick me in the ass if I met them again. We change. Damn, we are here for more than an hour already and you didn’t even smoke or open the booze. We are breaking habits, Andrew. We change for the better–” Neil suddenly stopped, feeling like that last sentence came out wrong. “I’m not saying, I want you to change,” he added hurriedly. This was so hard. He didn’t want Andrew to feel like there was anything wrong with him now, that he was any way not enough. “I wouldn’t mind even if you stay the same forever. But if you do, though, if you end up losing that control, I’ll still be here and accept whatever you come at me with.”

 _“No. That won’t happen. I won’t lose it.”_ Andrew snapped his gaze to the darkness under. He felt certain. He couldn’t hear that mocking voice. There was no ‘and yet’. _“It’s not about whether I can do it or not. I’m just simply going to do it.”_ He might have heard this from Betsy once, he might have not. _“I’m gonna do it for him.”_

And with that the certainty was gone. _“What the fuck?”_ Andrew heard the voice shouting ‘and yet’, he heard it starting to ask questions with ‘what if’ opening. _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. “Why is this so fucking hard?”_ What wasn’t hard in his life? 

“What if I disappear from your side?” he asked, because at least that was something he was actually interested in, and making the voice shut up was always the easiest with listening to Neil instead. 

Neil made a face, then shook his head. "I don't want to think about that."

"Well, you should, dumbass." _“You should, because you almost killed yourself over your mother's death once.”_ How could this idiot even get so attached again? That he relies on just one people again? Andrew was _so_ angry. 

"No. Wherever you go, that's also where my path is leading to."

"What if I don't want you around anymore?"

"Don't say that," he said, sounding like he was just punched in the gut.

He had to force himself to look back at the younger one. He had to climb out of his own head. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t how this conversation should have gone. 

"If anything ever happens to me, Neil” he squeezed the words out through his gritted teeth, because if nothing else, this was important, “you go to your stupid foxes and let them pick up your pieces." He knew Neil heard how mad he was. He knew Neil didn’t understand whom that anger was pointed at. Well, when Neil shook his head at him, the aim shifted a little toward the younger one, too. Andrew grabbed Neil’s hair by his nape, yanking it fiercely, and pulled him closer. "You go to them. Understood?" One more fierce tug. "You won’t be alone."

"Why are we talking about this? I don't like this conversation, Andrew," he almost sounded begging.

"I know. I didn't mean it to turn into this drama." All of a sudden he let go of Neil again, and finally took out his cigarette. "Fuck."

_What are you even doing, asshole? He doesn't need to be afraid, he's got just enough on his plate already. And you are not going anywhere._

Andrew took a deep drag of the smoke, kept it down, then after releasing it, he looked back at Neil, who was nervously picking on his jeans by his thigh; Andrew knew his nails reached the flesh too.

"I'm not going anywhere." That was the closest he could offer as an apology.

"Me neither," Neil muttered. "I can't let you go anymore. Even if you don't want me around anymore, I know it’s selfish as fuck, but I just... can't."

"I know." Andrew aggressively put out the cigarette on his mobile tray, then pushed it back into his pocket. He stood up with a smooth move, then pulling on the hood of Neil's jacket, made him lie down, so he could straddle his lap. His feet were hanging in mid-air.

"Careful, what if you fell off?" Neil asked worriedly and put his arms around Andrew's back.

"I'll drag you with me," he answered fatly, and cupped Neil's cheeks in his hands. "I can't let you go either."

“I won’t,” he corrected himself. _“And I will do it for myself. Because I am just as selfish as you are.”_ Suddenly the mess felt less messy in his head. 

“I trust you,” Neil muttered, searching Andrew’s shining eyes in the dark as if he wanted to make sure the older one understood what that meant. 

He did. “I don’t fucking need your trust.” He didn’t need Neil to believe in him so he could believe in his own self. He was going to do this alone, relying on his own power. Like he did any other times. 

“I know,” Neil said, his lips curling up a little, and he tightened his arms around Andrew. “But I am here. I will always be by your side if you do.” 

That was the only thing he needed. Neil somewhere near, so he could look at him, and never lose his way, never wander back down. Never lose control. “Don’t always me.” 

“Would you prefer forever?” he asked teasingly. Because that was what they were talking about. For the first time, they actually addressed _the_ forever. That they will stay together no matter what.

“Dumbass,” Andrew growled, then closed the distance between their lips. 

That kiss could have been fierce, the previous anger was still lingering in his body, and the determination because he finally reached a decision was firing him up, and yet it wasn’t. It was slow. Warm. Affectionate. 

And it wasn’t the least unreal. 

Andrew always wanted nothing, and yet he now had everything. And he was never letting go. 

“Let’s go home, it’s fucking cold,” he grunted some time later. Maybe hours, maybe minutes. That could have been considered a habit, too. Getting lost in time, because kissing Neil squashed the world so small that he could only care for the warmth that his body emitted. Andrew put this one on the list where the ‘not up for murder’ habits were collected.

**Author's Note:**

> Ugh, that ending turned out lame af. Sorry.


End file.
